In Hiding

I swallowed my breath and went deep, I was diving, I was diving I surfaced and all around me was enlightened

Hi Son,

Today was a hard day. It may have not seemed that way to you, but your mom will attest that it is hard to read me when I’m struggling. Since her surgery last October, her pain management has been more difficult than before the surgery. I’ve told you before that I live every day in fear. I’m afraid that the pain won’t get any better than it is now. It concerns me because I can’t understand what she’s feeling. What is truly unbearable and what is tolerable?

Today was difficult because I started becoming paranoid at when it becomes unbearable. To be clear, I’ve seen her go through unbearable pain. It was largely responsible for her getting treatment for this issue. The thought that has started to creep into my head is “when is enough, enough?” Your mother has been upfront that none of those thoughts have crossed her mind. However, her best friend suffered from Fibromyalgia. I can’t confirm this, nor do I want to, but the pain made it almost impossible to live with. That friend who we lost almost 4 years ago, we named you after in her honor.

I’ve mentioned in the past when I have high anxiety that my go to is to find solitude. At work there is some solitude. I have an office, so I can close the door if I want to be left alone. However, I don’t like having my door closed unless I’m in a meeting. That in itself was just enough to prohibit any solitude. It was hard to focus on any one thing and I wasted a lot of time because of it. Things felt a lot better when I got home to you and your mother, but there’s a chance I’ll feel this way again tomorrow.

I shut and locked the front door
No way in or out
I turned and walked the hallway
And pulled the curtains down

How do I find the solitude to help me through the next instance? Will I spin out again and just sit at my computer wasting my day? Will I have difficulty leaving my office and having any social interaction with my coworkers?

I'd stay but my last tab left me
Ignored all my rounds
Soon I was seeing visions and cracks along the walls
They were upside down

It’s hard going through a day with internalizing a lot of anxiety. I’m afraid of what I might say or how awkward I will sound when I’m around others. It’s not that I’ve had actual interactions showcasing my uneasiness. The constant fear of it occurring keeps me from moving away from my desk.

I swallow my words to keep from lying
I swallow my face just to keep from biting
I swallowed my breath and went deep, I was diving, diving
I surfaced when all of my pen wasn't writing

So what do I do if I find myself in that situation? My job is flexible enough that if I left my office for an hour or so, no one would notice or even really care. It’s a big reason why I want to keep the job I have. I could just get into my car and drive for an hour. Or drive to a park and just sit in the parking lot in my car. What about taking a walk down and back on the road I can see when I look out of my office? I’m literally spitballing as I am writing this.

It's been about three days now
Since I've been aground
No longer overwhelmed and it seems so simple now
It's funny when things change so much
It's all state of mind

I have to give myself that opportunity. The opportunity could lead not only to getting through tomorrow, but to feel confident that I can deal with the anxiety again. There’s plenty to do tomorrow, but it’s not overwhelming. I only have one meeting in the morning, so I can’t make excuses to not find this critical time for myself.

I swallowed my breath and went deep I was diving, I was diving
I surfaced and all around me was enlightened

Thank you for letting me think out loud to you. In doing so, I feel more confident I can take on tomorrow until I get to see you and your mother when I get home. There are ways I can find that badly needed solitude.

Now I'm in hiding
I'm in hiding

Link to “In Hiding”

Love,

Dad