Immortality

I cannot stop the thought...I'm running in the dark...

Hi Son,

I know I just wrote you earlier today, but I to cope with something. I’ve lived in fear since that night eight years ago. The possibility of having to relive that experience haunts me. I just didn’t know how deeply buried inside it was. Your mother was on the floor when I opened the bathroom tonight. To quickly eliminate the worst possibility, I will tell you that she was okay. We had an argument tonight that did not end well and I think she was laying down trying to cope. Regardless, that moment triggered me. I felt feelings and had memories rushing through my head unlike I had felt since January 2018. I really did not know that was in me. For years I’ve felt somewhat drained of emotion. There have been times I’ve cried when we had to let go our cats and relatives, but nothing like this. The one thing I was grateful for is that you were too young to realize what was happening. However, there was a moment later where you climbed onto the couch and snuggled next to me. I’m not sure if you sensed what was going on with me, but having you there along with your mother comforting me helped me come back down. It was far and away the most vulnerable you have seen me.

When I was dealing with your mother’s recovery in 2018, one of Pearl Jam’s songs really helped me. I’ve often called it the most vulnerable song in their catalog. I talked some about “Immorality” when I talked about “Vitalogy.” I did not share how critical it was to me during that time.

Vacate is the word...vengeance has no place on me or her
Cannot find the comfort in this world

There was no solace for me that year. On top of watching your mother slowly come back to the person I fell in love with, there were other factors with a family member in particular. I was so afraid. Nothing felt safe. Then your grandmother developed a brain tumor that fall. There was absolutely no comfort for me in this world.

Holier than thou, how?
Surrendered...executed anyhow
Scrawl dissolved, cigar box on the floor...

This is an infamous lyric because it has been claimed to be a reference to Kurt Cobain’s death. Cobain shot himself. There was a good period of that year where I considered self harm. It was so hard for me to find reasons to continue in this world. Luckily I did reach out for psychological help and was prescribed medication to help with the intense mood swings I was experiencing. If I hadn’t done that, I’m not sure if I would still be here today.

I cannot stop the thought...I'm running in the dark...
Coming up a which way sign...all good truants must decide...

So many times I just wanted to isolate myself in the dark away from everything and everyone. The relationship I feel with this lyric is not necessarily that I’m running in the dark. If anything I was running to the dark. However, the “which way sign” was something of a symbol of how impossible it was to escape. Which way do I go? Does it even matter? If I do go toward the dark, then I could be leaving the woman I love who has been through a worse hell than I experienced.

Truants move on...cannot stay long
Some die just to live...

The last line of “Immortality” is an incredibly sobering statement. While I felt for a while that I needed to leave this Earth, I still felt pain and compassion for others who were in the same place. Especially those who did go down that path, who I knew earlier in life. One of my best friends in high school and college lost his father that way. The devastation he felt, his mom felt and sister, is something I would never want to put on your mother or you. I don’t have those thoughts. A lot has happened since 2018 to where I feel a strong purpose. I’m never going to leave you and your mother in that way. I promise.

Love,

Dad