Hard To Imagine

Things were different then. All is different now.

Hi Son,

I’ve mentioned that I used to listen to a podcast, which I started getting into a few months after you mom’s stroke. It was called Single Podcast Theory. I loved the podcast not only because they were all about Pearl Jam, but what made them special to me was how they interacted with their listeners. Your old man got his first experience of outreach when they read my first email I sent into the podcast over an episode in July 2018. They would spend well over an hour in a lot of episodes reading listener emails. They also included a segment called “Pearl Jam Story Time.” The segment allowed one fan to share their story about how they got into Pearl Jam. The episode they dropped on Christmas Eve 2018 told the story of Bill. Bill suffered from a brain tumor in the fall of 2011, which he had removed about a week after it was discovered. The type of cancer he had was a glioblastoma. There are two paths the patient can take when dealing with this type of cancer. The first path is a short one. Another tumor will grow after the first being removed and the person only has about one year to live. The second path is that a new tumor will not grow back and the person will live healthy for several more years. As Bill described it “there was a 50:50 chance” after the biopsy of his tumor being removed would reveal his fate. The prognosis for Bill was fantastic. He was told that his fate would be the second path.

A few years after Bill received his prognosis, he wrote a letter to Eddie and the band about his journey with cancer. Bill was going to attend an upcoming show in Tampa in 2016 and requested that “Hard To Imagine” be included in the set list. Not only did Bill receive his wish. Eddie gave a monologue as the opening riff to the song started telling the crowd that the song was dedicated specifically to him and mentioned his bout with brain cancer (I was not able to attach the video in this post, but the hyperlink is provided). It was a very touching story and I’m grateful Bill shared it with the podcast.

The song itself is one of the most emotional and retrospective in their catalog. It was not included on any of their studio albums. The first release of the song came on the soundtrack of the movie “Chicago Cab.” The band released it a second time on a compilation album, “Lost Dogs” a few years later. It starts with the verse shown below.

Paint a picture visions only grey
Light your pillow. Lay back. Watch the flames.
I'll tell a story but no one would listen that long. It’s hard to imagine.

When I hear these lyrics, I think of the fear of sharing one’s troubled past. The fear that their story will be met with pessimism. One thing I usually internalize is what is troubling me. I don’t want others to believe I am an overly negative person. It’s so difficult because sometimes hearing yourself say the words of what is eating away at inside of you is therapeutic. It’s also a cry for help that I’m afraid others will ignore. I don’t want to be a burden. It’s possible Bill or someone else is in position was afraid of becoming a burden because of his cancer diagnosis. From what I know about him, he was anything but a burden and there were many who wanted to be there for him in that time of need. It’s hard to imagine sometimes the pouring of support will come in your darkest hour.

Tear into yourself count days on your arm.
Ah the beating ticking like a bomb.
After having seen all that they saw.
It's hard to imagine

This is a verse that I don’t relate to Bill’s situation. The lyrics give me a sense of someone who is struggling with trauma. They’ve seen something devastating in their life. It’s affected them in such a way that person is considering or already performing self harm. The pain from hurting one’s arm is a way to cope. Your mother’s struggle has been difficult to witness at times. Especially in the beginning. The beginning was very traumatic. However, taking the steps to help one’s self with the struggle of the trauma makes those suicidal feelings feel distant. Looking back in retrospect, it is hard to imagine many years later.

Things were different then. All is different now.
I tried to explain. I hope this works somehow.
Things were different then. All is different now.
I tried to explain. Oh, somehow.

Eddie sings this chorus several times throughout the song. The music and his vocals really hit a crescendo in the last minute. It’s as if the person is crying out emphatically they have distanced themself from the negative thoughts. They aren’t the same person. “Things were different then.” It’s a different narrative. “All is different now.” This song is so spiritual when you lose yourself in it.

After hearing Bill’s story on Single Podcast Theory, I reached out to the podcast hosts (Brad Blazek and Brad Lyons) to see if they could put me in touch with them. I was floored by the prognosis he received. Why this affected me so directly is because your grandmother (my mother) had a glioblastoma removed for her brain 2 months before hearing this podcast episode. The “Brads” from the podcast put me in touch with Bill. He was incredibly forthcoming when I got to talk with him over the phone. At this time our family was waiting to hear the biopsy results from your grandmother’s tumor. Bill even offered to talk to your grandmother directly for support and did so. It was one of the most selfless acts I have experienced in my life. That sequence of events also reinforced what a tight bond several fans of Pearl Jam have, regardless of whether they know one another or not.

We received your grandmother’s prognosis shortly after our interactions with Bill. She unfortunately was on the other side of the 50:50 odds. While Bill did help provide hope in such a critical point of our family’s lives, we also were expecting the fate your grandmother was given. We were able to spend time with her until October 2019, about a year after her diagnosis. What was fortunate is that she was with us when your aunt came down from Idaho with your oldest cousin who was only weeks old. We believed she was holding on until she could be around her grandson.

The reason why this has surfaced for me is because I am going to write you about the compilation including “Hard To Imagine.” The thoughts and feelings I had surfaced when hearing this song again. It’s something I felt very compelled to share with you.

Love,

Dad